


Smoke without Fire

by andthestarsthatshine



Category: The Mindy Project
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 21:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andthestarsthatshine/pseuds/andthestarsthatshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny's thoughts after Christina cheated on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smoke without Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely inspired by Smoke Without Fire by Duffy.

Darkness. It filled his apartment. The apartment he shared with Christina up until, oh, about an hour ago.

_drip_

Alone. So alone. He never knew it was possible to feel so utterly alone in this world. 

_drip_

Hopeless. What room did he have for hope now? She took his heart, shattered it and then left without even attempting to pick up the pieces.

_drip_

And that fucking tap kept dripping. The constant rhythm was soothing in a way. It seemed like the only constant thing in his life right now. Conversely, it seemed rather taunting because it was the only constant thing in his life right now. 

He lifted himself from where he had slid down against the door and switched the damn thing off. He poured himself a tumbler of scotch. God, he needed that. The burning amber liquid down his throat. He poured himself another. And another. And another. And, oh, it was all gone. Like Christina. He gathered up all the alcohol he could find and kept drinking straight out of the bottles. He wanted to forget. He knew this was stupid and he knew this would damage his body but he wanted to forget more than anything. He wanted to forget the sound of her moaning beneath the man he found on top of her, fucking her. She used to make that sound for him, only him. He wanted to forget the way she said the guy's name.  _Kevin_. He wanted to forget the image of her writhing in pleasure, her face contorted in what he knew was the telltale sign of her beginning to come. He wanted to forget that nagging feeling in the back of his head which told him that she just didn't seem guilty enough. It was as if somewhere down the line, she stopped caring a little, loving him a little. She felt bad, sure, he could see that. But he could see she had given up long ago. 

He wished they were better at communicating. Any arguments were quickly pushed aside. Sex was often a solution. Sometimes Christina needed another solution; a night with a friend. He wondered if she had truly gone to a friend's house or she was with Kevin or some other guy, still seeing sex as a solution. Just with someone else. The thought of her and  _Kevin_ naked in their bed invaded his mind again. He clearly wasn't drunk enough. 

Why the fuck didn't she just say that something was wrong? They could've sorted things out and she never would have felt the need to run into another man's arms. Did he not satisfy her enough? He knew he was busy and he couldn't spend as much time at home as he would have liked but she knew this would happen when they met, when she agreed to marry him. She seemed to take great satisfaction at the thought of marrying a successful, ambitious doctor. Maybe she just liked the idea of Danny, the provider? He just wished she had used her mouth to talk to him rather than suck off another guy. It would've been hard if she decided to leave him anyway and he would have fought hard for her but he would have at least been able to respect her. Not now though. Not with how she decided to deal with their problems. Loyalty was important to him and she knew that and she still did this. Never mind respecting her, he couldn't even respect himself right now.

* * *

 

Stevie was the first to meet Christina out of his friends. He congratulated Danny with a pat on the back and a knowing wink. 'Nice little number you got there, Danny.'

'Yeah. She is, isn't she?'

'I like that you're not all about getting into a serious relationship just because you're a little older. Keep at it, you dog.'

Danny had looked at him confused and realised that Stevie thought Christina was his current casual hook-up. 'Stevie, man, this is serious. I think I love her.'

'Oh. Oh that's cool.'

The topic had been dropped and the conversation moved on to other things but there was that nagging feeling that Stevie had something to say about Christina that he wasn't telling him. The next time they met, Stevie sure had something to say.

'You're being ridiculous!' Danny shouted at him incredulously.

'Nah, man, I'm telling you. Your little lady made a pass at me!'

'You think every female who even looks at you is making a pass at you. Remember when we were ten and you fell over and scraped your knee? You thought my Ma made a pass at you because she cleaned you up!'

'Ok, your Ma loves me. Don't argue with me on that one-'

'And what about that girl who smiled at you in that shop?'

'She was hot for me!'

'She was doing her job! She was smiling at everyone!'

'It was different, Danny, I swear.'

'And what happened when you tried my move on her?'

'She kissed me-'

'With her fist!'

'Ok, ok. But I'm not kidding about Christina. I'm worried about you, Little D. I don't want you falling hard for her only to have her break your heart because the next man she makes a pass at might not say no.'

'Ok, stop. Christina is not like that. She loves me. She won't hurt me. And if you're any friend at all you would want me to be happy, man.'

'Of course, I want you to be happy-'

'Then don't talk shit about her again. This is serious. I love her. I can see a future with her.'

'Alright, alright, enough with the emotions. The game is about to start!'

* * *

 

Danny first told his Ma about Christina shortly after he told Stevie. He wanted to tell her first, he really did, but a part of him was scared not that he could quite put a finger on why. They'd been sitting there eating their dinner when she noticed that Danny's mind seemed to be elsewhere. 

'Who's the girl?' she asked him, startling him back to the present moment.

'How-' Danny began in surprise.

'I know you, Daniel. I'm your mother.' She smiled at him with kind, warm, loving eyes and he returned the smile with equal affection. He did love his Ma. 

'Her name's Christina.'

Danny told her all about Christina, and she smiled at him, happy to see him so happy. 

'When do I get to meet the woman making my son so happy?'

Danny hesitated for a bit. He worried about whether they would get along. He loved them both dearly but they were as different as night and day. He promised she will meet her soon and left soon after. 

After much convincing on Danny's part, Christina agreed to meet his Ma. As far as Danny could tell, they got along quite well. Better than he anticipated. The fact that both women were acting so stiffly with each other seemed to escape his attention. The fact that both women were competing for his attention slipped past him too. The fact that his Ma could only say that Christina 'seems nice' didn't seem to tip him off to the fact she might be hiding something from him. The fact that she practically pleaded with Christina to take care of her Danny and not to hurt him didn't strike him as odd. The fact that when they returned to their apartment, Christina only said that she was glad they didn't live in Staten Island didn't raise any red flags for him. Love was truly blind for one Daniel Castellano. 

Later on, unbeknownst to Danny, his Ma talked to Richie. 'Please talk to Daniel. He'll listen to you. There's something I don't like about her and I don't want her hurting my baby.' Richie silently nodded.

* * *

 

'Danny, I'm telling you. She's nice and all but she's not the kinda girl you marry. She will break your heart.' Richie told him matter of factly.

Danny had lost it at that point. 'You know what, you little brat. You don't know her. And you're in no position to be doling out advice to your  _older_ brother. I looked out for you man!'

'And I'm trying to look out for you!'

'No! You're doing what you always do. You're a joke, Rich. You know what? You can get a damn job and find a way to support yourself because I'm done giving your lazy ass money!'

'But Dan-'

'Don't. This conversation is over. I won't stop you from turning up to the wedding for Ma's sake but I don't care if you don't show up at all!'

Damn his Italian temper for being so harsh on Richie. Damn his stubborn pride for not allowing him to reach out to Richie after this. Truth be told, he just didn't know how to face up to him. He was right about Christina. Danny didn't want to admit that. Richie came to the wedding. He quickly came to congratulate the couple. Christina made an offhanded comment about how she had won and that she is a Castellano now. Danny remembered feeling a smug sense of pride when this caused Richie to wordlessly slink away; he was still angry at his brother. He put his wife before his own flesh and blood and, boy, was he paying for it now. 

* * *

 

Alison was Christina's childhood friend. Danny always got on well with her husband, Dave, and could count him as one of his closest friends. After Christina and Danny separated, Dave came round to check up on Danny every so often, usually without Alison's knowledge. Dave knew the whole truth about what happened and he knew enough about Christina to know that her side of the story wasn't entirely true. Dave relayed to Danny what Christina had been telling people. She made it seem like she was trapped in the marriage. She told people that she was scared of his temper. He had a temper, sure, and he was quick to start a fist fight, but he had never laid a hand on a woman, and certainly not the woman he loved with all of his heart. He would never dream of it. He felt crushed by the lies she was spreading to justify her own deceit. He felt so incredibly small and he hated that their mutual friends would pity him until they heard about Christina's lies and then they would see him as some sort of monster, cut all contact with him and allow Christina's plans to isolate him work. He knew then that it was better to build up walls to protect his fragile heart. He couldn't let people get close to him. He couldn't let people see him and all of his vulnerabilities only to have them break him and walk away right when he needed them. No. Danny wasn't going to let that happen again. 

He remembered bumping into Christina's brother, Dominic. As soon as he saw Danny, walking out a coffee shop, he stormed over and punched Danny right in the jaw. And for the first time in his life, Danny just took it. He didn't even try fighting back. He didn't see the point. He knew by the look in Dominic's eyes that Christina had mostly told him about his so-called violent tendencies. If he were in Dominic's position, he probably would have done the same thing.

As soon as Dominic left, he had decided to go see his Ma in Staten Island. Even when the whole world was against him, he knew he could count on her. She took one look at the state of him and gasped, 'My baby, what happened to you?' 

He told her everything. Well, he didn't go into detail about what Christina was doing when he found her but it was implied. She told him to stay for a while and she made him his favourite lasagna. When he walked into his boyhood room, he curled up in bed like a child and cried while his Ma soothingly stroked his head. He would deny he ever did this if it was ever brought up but he trusted this incident would never be mentioned again.

* * *

 

For a few weeks after his discovery, Danny wonders if Christina ever truly loved him. If she could do this to him, she can't possibly have loved him, right? You don't hurt the people you love, not like this, not intentionally. He was no saint, he might have hurt a few girlfriends in the past by being too aloof or not listening enough but there was never any malice in his actions. This? He couldn't justify her actions. He would never have imagined hurting Christina in this way. He'd been given enough opportunities with women practically throwing themselves at him. He was a handsome, successful doctor; any woman would be lucky to have him. Or so he told himself every night, attempting to reassure himself that it wasn't his fault, that he isn't so flawed that she would feel the need to look elsewhere. God, what on earth did she see in him? She knew what she was getting into when she married him. He hadn't changed. Had he? 

Their wedding vows seemed so hollow now. 'Til death do us part'. Right. Well, she sure as hell killed a part of him when she ripped his heart out, still beating in her hand while she tossed it aside. What was it she said to him on their wedding night? 'I will always love you, Danny. You mean everything to me. I promise you I will never let anyone hurt you.' Anyone except her, he guessed. He wondered if she thought about the promise she made to him when she was fucking another man. Maybe she figured it didn't matter if he didn't find out. But there just wasn't enough of a fight in her. She didn't fight for him, for them, at all. It was as if she was relieved to have found a way out and took the opportunity without putting up too much of a fight. Wasn't he worth fighting for? Even just a little bit? 

She always wanted Danny to be two conflicting things at once. She wanted him to be a doctor, but she didn't want him to be busy. She wanted him to change his apartment to something she'd like, but she didn't want him to change from the man she fell in love with. She wanted him to look after her, care for her, protect her the same way any other husband would, but she wanted him to do it in a way that she recognised as legitimate. Push and pull. That's all it ever was. She claimed to love him for who he was but continued tried to change him, little things at first, then bigger things. No, he thought to himself, that isn't what true love is all about. True love is about finding someone who brings out the best in you, not someone who tries to change you into someone you no longer recognise when you look in the mirror. He wonders if Christina merely loved the idea of him. It's no justification and it's certainly no comfort but as far as explanations go that is all he can come up with right now. 

* * *

 

It got to a point where he didn't even know if he should blame her or himself. Was it his fault? Did he manage to push her away, driving her into the arms of another man? Or was his greatest flaw loving her too much. They had their disagreements, like any other couple, but he never thought that he didn't want to be with her. He never thought he could love anyone else. He never thought anyone else could fit perfectly into his arms like she did. Did he fuck this up without even realising it? But then why didn't she just say something? His thoughts were bouncing from blaming her to blaming himself. On the former side, he felt nothing but anger, betrayal, disappointment, bitterness; on the latter, vulnerable, insecure, worthless, unlovable. This wasn't healthy. He knew it. He wanted to let go of it all but a part of him needed an explanation from her. Why did she do it? That's all he wanted to know. And, yeah, maybe there was a part of him that wanted her to come crawling back to him, begging for another chance, pleading; he wanted to see the regret in her eyes, laced with all the love he thought she had felt for him. 

But no, he needed to stop thinking about her. He needed to push her out of his mind. He didn't want to talk about her. He just wanted the pain to go away so he could move on. So he did what he thought was best. He threw himself into work, working harder than he had ever done, becoming unnecessarily competitive with others just so he could feel alive again. His morning walk turned into a morning run. He spent as much time at the gym as his schedule allowed. He worked on Saturdays, just so he didn't have to return to his empty apartment. He shut himself off from people, keeping them at arm's length, only allowing people to come close enough so that he had companionship when he needed it or so he could go to a bar without becoming that sad, lonely man sitting in a corner drinking by himself. He never thought it possible to love anyone else. Not because he believed that Christina was the one for him, no, he was never one to believe in those romantic clichés where there was only one person for everyone. It was all about timing. If he never met Christina, he could have found someone else he loved just as much, if not more. He knew that. He was just afraid to fall in love again, fearing that he'll work to mend his broken heart, only to have someone throwing it in the air casually, with no concern of its worth, and just let it drop and walk away like it's nothing. No. He wouldn't allow that to happen. So any women he met were immediately relegated to something casual. Even when he could consider himself as being in a relationship with a woman, he never truly took it seriously. He masked his feelings with male bravado. Real men don't show their feelings. At least this man didn't. Not anymore. 

But he stopped thinking about her so much. She was still there, lingering in the recesses of his mind. He couldn't get rid of her completely. She was still the woman he once chose to build a life with and he still loved her. He couldn't just switch that off. She still had a hold on him. But not seeing her helped a little. At the very least, he wasn't drowning his sorrows. He was living. His heart was still beating, cautiously, monotonously, constantly. It was just there, the new, steady, dull soundtrack to his life. The old soundtrack consisted of Christina's laugh,  _his_ laugh, the sound of her sweet words, the songs they danced to, the songs he tried to play for her on his piano. All of that, gone. Stored away in a box, quickly gathering dust and cobwebs, sitting in the back of his mind. He daren't open it. 

* * *

 

A few months after the divorce was final, he stopped caring. He hardened his heart, moved on with his life and just stopped caring. He was doing well. People didn't know that he was just some bitter divorcé. Maybe people just saw him as some grumpy man, but that was fine by him. There was a power in emitting this persona. He didn't look approachable and people left him alone. And he liked it just fine. 

It just wasn't meant to be with Christina, and that's fine too. No, really, it was fine. He had stopped crying out her name when he was in bed with another woman. Clearly that meant he was fine. His apartment soon returned to something that was quintessentially him and he didn't miss living with another person at all. He was fine with living alone. He could do whatever he wanted. No one to yell at him if he wanted to stay at home and watch Ice Truckers, or dress like a slob, or eat takeaway for far too many nights in a row. He was a bachelor. A wealthy, heterosexual male. He was doing just fine. He was happy, free, full of life. Yes, he was. He deserved better than her and he knew it. He wasn't going to let her destroy his very being. No way. He was fine. 

He visited his Ma a little more often than before. Because he's a good son, not because he needed the comfort of familiarity and warmth. Not at all. You see, he was doing just fine. Absolutely fine. He might have invited Father Francis over for dinner a few more times than he used to but that had nothing to do with needing the company of someone with so much wisdom to impart or to see if his faith could help him get over Christina. Not at all. He just felt it was what a good Catholic should do. That is all. He was fine. Really.

Who the hell cares about Christina? Christina, who? He stopped seeing her everywhere. He stopped coming up to women who looked like her from behind. He stopped coming across as a creep because he couldn't help himself from smelling her hair. He was fine. He could barely remember what she looked like. It wasn't as if her face was etched into his mind or anything. Nope. Not at all. He was fine.

He can only hope that one day he will see that because right now he wasn't fooling anyone.


End file.
